BigFoot Exterminators, Inc.
The Partially Cautionary, Mostly True Tale of Monster Hunt 06'
by DON BARONE AND DENVER RIGGLEMAN

"If you can't control your fear, you can't control nothing."
--My dentist…but it also applies to Monster Hunting
Dateline: N 43° 42' 35" W 73° 56' 11" Elev: 1131 1:05 am EST

Everything is green.

Gen-3 Night vision green. Night vision so powerful, a firefly becomes Mothra-like.
When the bug's rear end light goes on, the flash temporarily blinds you.
An up-to-no-good green.

The forest to my left, with an open meadow beyond, all bathed in florescent green. An empty drainage ditch to my right, same freakin' green. An area that Bigfoot Hunter/possible D.O.D. spy guy Denver called a perfect Sasquatch Freeway. "They'll come right down this track here," he said.

And "here" is exactly where I'm standing. On a Blair Witchy green abandoned railroad track. All alone. Tonight, I'm a Bigfoot roadblock. I'm 50 yards behind the Bigfoot Hunters, and they have guns. I have a plastic telescopic Wal-Mart hiking pole for protection. And something just howled in my right ear. And no one else heard it. But me. Me and my adjustable stick. "Denver…Spinner…ah, little help, dudes." I know I said it, but I never heard the words. I did hear a beep, then two beeps, and then three.

On the fourth beep, the super duper sort-of-borrowed-from-a-state-police-fugitive-squadteam Gen-3 night vision, went out. Darkness swept in, so thick, so black, the only thing visible is fear. That's when the howl began in my left ear. On the Sasquatch Superhighway. The only movement was my walking stick thing, shaking. Then I see my son, Jimmy, break off from the group and run back my way, straight into the howls.

Download the entire story (PDF Format) >>
DB's Economic Stimulus Plan

DB's Economic Stimulus Plan Store for The Hula Girl Diaries
or How To Be A Traveling Internet Columnist w/o a Travel Budget on the Unpaid-Superhighway.
db's stinky Hula Girl thing for your stinky car, or other things of the same stink value

I sold my blood in college to buy textbooks. 

Back in the late 1970's the going rate per textbook was about 2.135 pints per USED book…only 2 pints if the textbook had passages highlighted.

If I was short on pints that week I just brought my own highlighter to the UB bookstore.  You gotta do what you gotta do.

I don't have enough blood left in me to fund my National Traveling Internet Columnist w/o A Travel Budget Tour.  And besides, God knows what has been added to my own personal blood bank between now and my college days.

Think Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young on tour…all in one body.  Mine.

So this is my, db's, Economic Stimulus Plan:  SEND ME MONEY.  And taking a cue from all those successful companies out there getting all the rest of your cash, I won't be sending it back to you either.

I will send you a Hula Girl though.

Pretty much guarantee the banks or car companies can't match that offer.  Go ahead, call GM, ask them exactly this:  "So Mr. General Motors, ah, since you just got a bazillion dollars of my taxes, any chance you could send me a couple rear-view mirror air fresheners for my Dodge."

Expect to be put on hold…for years.

You might call Congress and ask them exactly this:  "Ah, Mr. Uncle Sam, being related to me through taxes and things, and since most of us think this bailout stuff stinks, any chance you could send me an air freshener to, you know, get rid of the smell."

If you make that call to the feds two things will happen:  You'll get an $800,000,000 non-smelling air freshener in the mail, and, an audit.

I'll send you the same thing for about $799,999,995.00 (plus shipping) less.

And it smells.  Like coconuts.  Or Hawaii. 

Or maybe even a real Hula Girl, but I can't advertise that since I've never actually been downwind of a grass skirt that's been gyrating around all day for tourists, and if that's the smell you are looking for my CPA, Dawn, says I need to be up front and say that this only smells like a real Hula Girl if real Hula Girls are made of flat paper that smells like dollar store bad "fruity" sunscreen with a SPF value of 1.

Now, for those of you who want to help the National Traveling Internet Columnist w/o A Travel Budget Fund, but are not necessarily thrilled about having something stinky show up in your mailbox and thereby driving the neighbor's dogs and all the outside cats crazy, you can just flat out SEND ME MONEY AND NOT EXPECT ANYTHING BACK.

If I had a flag, I'd be just like the feds huh.

Here's some legal stuff you need to know before pretending I'm an auto manufacturer or a mortgage company that qualified applicant's PETS for sub-prime equity loans based on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, & 5th mortgage of your neighbor down the street who was told it was okay to sign since it was pretty much just "a bunch of paper signing stuff like that clearinghouse prize thing…"

Legal Stuff:  Even though I'm pretty much perpetually broke, the government still refuses to believe that, in the truest sense of the word, I'm a NON-PROFIT, since pretty much any PROFIT I seem to stumble over always ends up on the "Gimme it" line of some 1040A form, and since they never seem to return my emails in which I explain that if it wouldn't be for the fact that there was a GOVERNMENT I would indeed be a for profit kind of guy since most of my money would in fact be MINE.

But it's not.

So, if you hit that DONATION button, you need to know that you are sending it to the government of db, and like you are long accustomed to, you will get no goods or services upon sending the money.

And don't even think of trying to write it off, because frankly, there's a 50/50 chance I may NOT EVEN REPORT IT, depending of course on whether the government actually finds this website, or not.

Thank you for your support,

db
Read Previous Article: Paths - Barone sums up his first year covering the Bassmaster Elite Series tour

▪ Stuff to check out

Click here to JOIN BASS!
Donate
to DB
Don Barone's Facebook profile
DB Facebook
Recent Awards
2010 Bass Tour
 
▪ DB Famous Quote of the Week
"It's descended to this. Scrolling down, I see that even if I could whiz in a cup and get it past my family and outside, it's not the right kind of pee.."

- A Day at The Race

▪ People who fish better than me
Skeet Reese 2007 Bassmaster Toyota Tundra Angler of the Year is a bass fishing professional.
Kevin Short. Bassmaster Elite Angler
Capt Paul Fisicaro, Strip Strike Charters, 13 year veteran fishing guide in the florida keys. www.stripstrikecharters.com
Everyone else on the planet
Are you starting to get the picture?
DB does RV: The Honey Wagon
DB meets the Prince of Poo, whose job really sucks
Squirrel Wars:
The Battle of the Century
It has come down to this. I'm currently the high bidder on eBay, for coyote urine. Someone in Kansas outbid me on the red fox whiz. Bobcat tinkle has no bids. I've got it bookmarked.

I've never seen a coyote in my life, but suddenly I'm desperately bidding $20.50 for 16 ounces of his No. 1. And it's even in "a convenient spray bottle."

Blame my wife, and Father's Day. Maybe Home Depot too, but I'm afraid that someday I might need an orange extension cord, so I'm leaving them out of this.

For Father's Day, my wife bought me a "Squirrel Proof" bird feeder and 25 pounds of something called "oiled sunflower seeds." It had a cardinal -- feathered, not St. Louis -- on the bag.

The squirrels have been having a free banquet in my backyard ever since.

Read Full Article >>>

Diary of a Bassmaster Virgin

Big-time ESPN writer/producer finds in bass world he's just a candy-ass co-angler

This is the first installment in a two part series about Don Barone's shot at being a co-angler in a Bassmaster Elite Series tournament.

(I'm sorry if I have offended any of the 1,000's of various men/women/bass out there who will take offense to this title but I thought about it long and hard and decided that it was just a damn good title so I'm keeping it. Accept my apology, and my title. Thank you.)

Dateline: Plattsburgh Boat Basin; Day Two of a Butt Kicking (mine).

Thursday was the last time I could get my neck to turn right. Only half of my face is shaved since neither shoulder can get to the stuff growing on my left cheek.

I haven't been this bruised since Sammy "The Sultan of Slop" Marranca ran overtop of me at shortstop, and my high school second-baseman, Davey "Donuts" Muscarella, landed on top of me trying to make the tag. It took the third-base coach and two Kenmore West Blue Devil cheerleaders to untangle that mess.

 

Christmas for Javier

Foster child has hunger for fishing, finding a family
"Christmas Eve will find me
Where the lovelight gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams."

- As Bing Crosby sang in "I'll Be Home For Christmas"

RANDOM McDONALD'S, Conn. -- I'm standing at the condiment bar. Javier is on his second box of the chicken nugget things. Honey mustard sauce is everywhere. The 12-year-old is an eating machine.

I'm trying to get an interview in between bites. And I'm losing. Javier has short black hair, big dark eyes and chipmunk cheeks with spots of sauce on them. In his left hand, a French fry. His right hand becomes a blur from mouth to chicken-thing box.

Three times I've had to move the tape recorder closer to him, his answers coming from a mouthful of Mickey D's. There's ketchup on the pause button. If I could play the tape recorder for you, this is what the interview would sound like:

Read Full Article >>>

Image of the Week
That’s my 10 year old Nephew Jake Niland who stands 53 inches tall, the Lake Trout he’s holding...37 inches.  Jake caught it in the Devil’s Hole Drift on the Lower Niagara River in WNY on 12/30 using live minnows on 8# test.  If YOU happen to catch a fish that’s more than half as tall as you are, send me the photo, Capt. Paul, the Web-God, will get it up on the site.
ADVERTISEMENT

I have no idea what Captive and Risk Management Insurance is about, but the guy behind this website, is also the guy behind me writing about the outside, and the fish that swim through it.  Jim Niland was among the first people I ever did a story about fishing with, so you can either thank him for that, or blame him for that, but if YOU know what Captive & Risk Management Insurance is...visit Jim's site.  I trust him, which says a lot for a brother-in-law.  BTW, he's a great angler...